Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Ode to Victoria's Secret

Due to somewhat vague feminist reasoning, I've refused to set foot in Victoria's Secret for the last five years. I've always felt that this was a sacrifice on my part, and that I was denying myself the best lingerie money can buy so as not to compromise my feminist values.

I do have a happy history with ol' Vickie's. My two best friends and I spent many afternoons in 7th and 8th grade gathering up the nerves to go into Victoria's Secret and try things on! Although the most exciting ensemble I ever purchased was matching bra and underwear with a citrus pattern. That's right, the pure, unadulterated passion of lemons and limes. On my underwear.

I can only imagine the disappointment of those poor unsuspecting boyfriends/husbands/partners who happened upon the citrus set, excitedly undressing their partner only to discover the worst attempt at cute lingerie in the history of Victoria's Secret.

So last Saturday, while I was waiting around during my cell phone debacle (fear not dear reader, I'll tell that one another day), I decided to break my rule and check out what Victoria's Secret is up to these days. I'm happy to report I'm not missing much.

So, I thought my lemon/lime ensemble was the worst attempt at cute lingerie until I saw the downright vestigial underwear they're selling today. Why any woman would by this stuff is beyond me.

First, it is the most ultra-fem lingerie you can imagine. Vickie's has apparently abandoned their sexy vixen theme and moved on to what Barbie would design for her underwear if she had the materials delivered from Strawberry Shortcake. I'm not kidding, it's really that bad. This stuff was the pinkest, frilliest, puke-inducingest I have ever seen. And I browse the Ross lingerie, so I've seen some bad attempts. Here's case in point, if you're interested. I must admit that even this example is nothing compared to what was in the store. We're talking lace, bows, AND polkadots, folks.

Second, the material was mostly mesh. Rough mesh. All the women reading this can tell you that rough mesh makes for quite uncomfortable lingerie. It's a bit akin to wearing sandpaper.

Third, I called the bras vestigial because they are truly like vestiges of what real lingerie used to be. There's no possibility of ever wearing this stuff out of the house (unless it's to a lingerie party), because any shirt over the layers of bows and frills of these bras would make it look like you were sprouting bizarre unruly chest hair or some other oddity. Which leads me to my final objection:

These vestigial, ultra-fem, sorry excuses for lingerie cost between $40 and $50. I'm sorry, but most sane women of normal means would not pay $50 for a bra you can't even wear out of the house.

In sum, I'm completely delighted that now I can wear my non-Victoria's Secret lingerie in peace.


At 5/24/2005 10:47 AM, Blogger Ezra said...

So I guess I'm never gonna find out the secret...

At 5/24/2005 10:55 AM, Blogger Kate said...

You just had to put that, didn't you.


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